This week filmmaker, Roman Polanski has asked a Los Angeles judge to sentence him in absentia for the sex crimes he committed in 1977 against a 13 year old girl. On January 22, Judge Peter Espinoza, supervising judge of the L.A. County Superior Court criminal division, will hear arguments from both the defense attorneys and the deputy district attorney before making a decision.  

Keep in mind: there has been no denial on Polanski’s part of whether or not he had sex with a minor.  He admitted it.  He admitted to giving her champagne and a quaalude. He admitted to having intercourse with her, as well as engaging in oral sex and sodomy.  When she asked him to stop, he did not.

Yes, people, you read all of that correctly.

Under a plea deal in 1977, Polanski agreed to plead guilty to a statutory rape charge, while other charges were dropped.  But…oops!  He decided to flee the country on the eve of his sentencing, instead choosing to live in France all these years, continuing to make movies and enjoying a rather nice lifestyle.  So much for accountability.

So, now it looks like more legal mumbo-jumbo before we can wrap this up.  To be honest here, this guy ticks me off big time.  He’s under house-arrest at his luxury chalet in Gstaad, Switzerland right now (gee, that sounds rough).   And, there’s a good chance he could be “sentenced” in absentia – oh no, more time to serve in Gstaad!!

But, Polanski keeps fighting extradition, and basically thumbing his nose at the justice system, and so it goes.

I know this case happened long ago, and many people would like to sweep it under the rug and forget about it.

But, as a child advocate for sexually abused children, this just galls me.

Roman Polanski is a textbook case of how a predator operates… oozing charm, grooming his victim by lavishing her with attention, promising fame and fortune, plying her with drugs and alcohol, and most importantly downplaying the severity of what he did.   Polanski confessed that he had sex with a 13 year old, but admits that he really doesn’t see anything wrong with that.   He still can’t believe he’s been charged with a crime!

And that’s what’s really wrong here.

Like every other molester, they don’t think that what they do is wrong.   They deny the hurt and the emotional and physical damage it causes.

Sexual abuse changes a child for the rest of their lives, in many cases destroying that life.  It robs its victim of a healthy, safe and secure childhood.  And… Predators don’t care.

It’s time for us to care.

To stand up for all victims of childhood sexual abuse.

To say enough is enough.

Childhood sexual abuse is a heinous crime committed on our most vulnerable victims, and those who commit these despicable acts deserve more than a slap on the wrist and a wink.

Roman Polanski does not deserve a “get out of jail free” card.

His actions are cowardly and defiant.

For the past 30 years, he’s pretty much proven that he doesn’t feel the need to respect any court decision that he disagrees with, and it’s evident that he considers himself above the law.

And make no mistake about it…. He broke the law,

he committed a crime, a serious crime against a child.

In a previous blog, I posed the question:  What if he wasn’t Roman Polanski, famous film director?   What if he was simply a soccer coach or school teacher who gave a student drugs and alcohol, then molested her?

What if he was good old “Uncle Joe” who had sex with his “favorite” niece when she was 13?
Do we tolerate a double standard where “famous artists” are allowed to be rapists?

Polanski needs to return to the United States and face the music.

To add insult to injury, a number of Hollywood celebrities have rallied around in support of Polanski, believing that all charges should be dropped and that we should all leave poor Roman alone.

Thankfully, there are also a number of  intelligent Hollywood celebrities who have spoken out against his release and feel he should be extradited; including Jaime Lee Curtis, Chris Rock, Howard Stern, Luc Besson, Kirstie Alley, Lisa Kudrow, Kevin Smith, Jewel, Drew Carey and Melissa Gilbert.  To those celebrities, I say Thank You… for putting children everywhere first.

By the way, Woody Allen came out recently, demanding the charges against Polanski be dropped (yeah, there’s a surprise).

Between the parties, events, shopping, and travel, it can be a whirlwind!    With so much activity going on in the next several weeks, it’s a great time to go over some key safety tips to help ensure that everyone has a wonderful and safe holiday season.

Whether you’re driving across town to the mall or headed to a big family gathering, here are some common sense tips to help you navigate through this busy time of year.

Safety Tips When You’re Out & About

1. If children become separated from you while shopping or in any public place, teach them to go to a “safe grownup” for help:  a Mom with kids or the cash register person at the store. Avoid telling children to look for the manager.  Any important looking adult in a suit can be mistaken for the manager.
2. Instruct your kids to NEVER, EVER go looking for you in the parking lot or anywhere else.  Remind them that you’d never leave the area until you are reunited.
3. With fidgety young children, try playing the “Two Steps Away” game when you’re in crowded public areas… Let kids know they can only be 2 Giant Steps away from Mom or Dad at all times.   It’s easier and more fun, than hearing you constantly say things like: ”no running, stay here, etc.”    They’ll be more apt to stay close by if it’s fun for them.
4. Be sure that young children know your cell phone number when you’re out in public.  If necessary, write it down and slip it in their pocket.  Let them know they can ask a “safe grownup” like a mom with kids, to call you on your cell if necessary.
5. Teach older children, the “check first” rule.  Kids must always check with you first before going off to another part of the store, the restroom, play area or anywhere else.
6. Always bring young children into the public restroom with you.  If your child is old enough to use the restroom room alone, be sure to stand right outside the door and call in to him “Are you okay?” “I’m right here”.  This lets a potential predator know you’re watching closely and makes you less likely to be a victim.

Safety Tips for Holiday Parties

1. Let children decide for themselves how they want to express affection.   Try not to insist that your child hug or kiss a relative that they don’t want to.
2. Keep an eye on beverage glasses containing alcohol or other adult drinks.  Small children can innocently ingest a harmful drink that looks like soda or juice.
3. Remember that homes you visit may not be childproof.  Keep a watchful eye out for danger spots such as stairs, bathroom cabinets, patio doors leading to the backyard, fireplaces, etc.
4. When purchasing an artificial tree, look for the label “Fire Resistant.”
5. When purchasing a live tree, needles should be green and hard to pull from the branches.  It should not lose many needles when tapped on the ground.

(Check the water level every day.  Warm rooms can dry out a live tree quickly.  A 6 foot tree will use approximately 1 gallon of water every two days.

1. Use only UL-listed lights and do not string more than 3 strands together.
2. Never use indoor extension cords outside.  And be sure to use only “outdoor” lights outside.
3. Place candles away from combustibles and in sturdy containers to prevent toppling over.  Remember:  Hot wax can burn children.  Be sure to extinguish all candles before going to bed or going out.
4. In homes with small children, avoid decorations that have sharp edges, small pieces, or are easily broken.  Avoid decorations like resemble food or candy, which can tempt little ones.
5. Be sure your smoke alarm is in good working order and that batteries are fresh.  Consider installing at least one carbon monoxide detector in your home.

Have you insisted that they hug or kiss “Uncle Johnny” or that family friend or relative who visits every holiday, even though your child obviously feels uncomfortable doing so?

Of course every parent wants to make sure they aren’t raising rude, obnoxious kids.  But it can be a dangerous message we give our children when we insist that they deny their instincts, and force them to be polite so that we, the parent, can save face. 

It can be especially risky to insist that they express physical affection when they are clearly uncomfortable doing so.

Why? 

Because one of the most important things we can teach our kids when it comes to their personal safety is to LISTEN to that inner barometer, their INSTINCT…         

                    a.k.a. “the uh-oh feeling”   

It’s not about being suspicious of every relative who wants to hug our kids.  

It is about letting your child decide HOW they want to express affection and to whom, rather than forcing them to please others.  

Why? 

Because they may be getting an “uh-oh feeling”  that you’re unaware of.   Maybe earlier in the evening Uncle Johnny said or did something that felt “yucky” to your child which you’re oblivious to.   Later on, when it’s time to go home, you insist that your daughter kiss Uncle Johnny goodbye, demanding it when she flat out refuses. 

The message your child gets: 

1) Don’t trust your own instincts. 

2) You have to obey the grownups no matter what.

3) Mom/Dad will not believe you if you tell them about an uncomfortable feeling or touch because you haven’t got the right to speak up for yourself.

The message Uncle Johnny gets:

Jackpot!  Here’s a target — a child who’s been taught to be polite no matter what the circumstances.  Here’s a child who probably won’t  know how to resist an inappropriate touch or have the ability to tell anyone about it!   At the next gathering,  he decides he may be able to go a little further with his behavior because you’ve basically laid the ground work out for him already.  

And so… the grooming process begins.

Clearly, there will be times when your child just doesn’t want to hug or kiss someone.   It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because the person’s a child molester.  Maybe Uncle Johnny smells funny, maybe he hugs too tightly and it hurts.   Or maybe it’s something more serious.  

 Whatever the reason… your child should have the right to say NO.

Instead, what usually happens is that we’re “on the spot”, we don’t know what to do, so we force our kid to give a kiss and get it over with so we can go home already!

Blech!  Imagine being that child, hoping Mom or Dad is going to help them out of this sticky situation only to find that you won’t.  Even worse… from now on here’s a child who will question herself, not trusting her own instincts because she’s been instructed not to.

If we really want to give our children a gift this holiday season… Let them decide how they want to express affection and to whom.   Don’t force them to, because it makes you feel better.    And back them up when they need it.   That’s the gift of a lifetime.

*Please visit www.safelyeverafter.com for more information, or to schedule a workshop or one-on-one safety consultation.

Fact: In 1977, 43 year old filmmaker Roman Polanski sexually assaults 13 year old, Samantha Gailey, during a photo shoot.    He gives her champagne and a Quaalude, then proceeds to engage in oral sex, intercourse and sodomy, after she repeatedly asks him to STOP.

Fact: A grand jury indicted Polanski on six counts:  furnishing a controlled substance to a minor, lewd and lascivious act upon a child under 14, perversion, sodomy, unlawful sexual intercourse, rape by use of drugs.

Fact: Polanski agrees to plead guilty to “unlawful intercourse with a minor” in return for dropping the more serious charges.   He is ordered to undergo a 90 day psychiatric study in a Chino, California state prison.   He is released after only 42 days, eventually fleeing to Paris rather than face sentencing for what he has done.

What ensues after this is a long series of legal battles, arguments, missing documents and a civil lawsuit.  After 30 years, Polanski is recently re-arrested in Europe, enroute to an awards ceremony.   Today, he remains in custody, fighting his extradition to the U.S. while celebrities and supporters praise his “genius”, and decry the unfair treatment he is receiving.

Helllllooooooo????

What kind of double standard are we looking at here??

Drugs, alcohol, 13 year old girl, sodomy, sexual intercourse

Did our Hollywood celebs miss that part of the memo??

In 2008, HBO aired a sympathetic documentary portraying Polanski as a brilliant director who was merely misguided and misunderstood.

OK… Now I get it!

Roman Polanski makes good movies, so let’s all pretend that his drugging and sexual assault of a 13 year old girl is not sooooooo bad.     Let’s all feel sorry for him because he’s in his seventies now, looks like a teddy bear, and has lots of celebrity friends and supporters.

Why is it okay to mete out justice based on whether or not someone is talented or famous?   Why is it okay to drug and rape a 13 year old, skip town for 30 years and live  the high life, enjoying fame and fortune?

What if he wasn’t Roman Polanski, famous film director?

Do you think our celebrities would let their nieces or daughters spend time alone with Uncle Roman?

Would they be as forgiving if he was simply a soccer coach or school teacher who gave a student drugs and alcohol, then molested her?   I think not.  In fact, I bet they’d all be wearing a colorful ribbon at the Oscars showing their support for sexual abuse victims.  Good thing we have those ribbons!

What if he was good old “Uncle Joe” who had sex with his favorite niece when she was a teenager?

Suddenly a mere 42 days in jail doesn’t sound right, does it??

My heart and prayers go out to Somer’s mother, Diena Thompson.  As a mom myself, I cannot even imagine the devastating pain and the depth of grief that she is facing now.

In the last 24 hours I’ve spoken to several parents who feel frightened and helpless; looking for answers and assurances that this won’t happen to their children.  I’ve watched the news, seen the interviews and listened to the commentators.

When something as  horrific as a child abduction occurs, many people want to single out that one “factor” or “variable” that they can control or point to and say “See, if they only ___________, this wouldn’t have happened.” But it’s not that simple.

In a misguided search for guarantees, parents and school administrators will continue their heated arguments for and against children walking to school on their own. That’s a discussion I will gladly address in another blog entry, because there are a multitude of issues that must be considered, and there is no clear cut, “one-size-fits-all” answer.

What I do know is this:

You can do everything within your power and still

sometimes bad things happen.

I also know that statistically, the type of abduction that occurred in the case of Somer Thompson, is on the decline according to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and The Crimes Against Children Research Center.   Yes, that is somewhat reassuring.

However, I’m sure that’s of little comfort to Somer’s mother right now.  And as far as I’m concerned, statistics are fine but even ONE child being abducted, abused, or murdered is TOO MANY.

I can’t offer any 100% guarantees or solutions.   No one can.

And, I’m not suggesting that we be terribly paranoid or overly protective parents to the point of smothering our kids with ridiculous restrictions.    But I also don’t believe in sticking my head in the sand, living in denial, or simply relying on statistics and nothing else when it comes to my child’s safety.

It’s not enough to say “We live in a ‘nice, safe’ neighborhood where this kind of thing doesn’t happen.”

We can argue about the media’s sensationalizing these stories in order to up their ratings.    But it doesn’t change the fact that children go missing every day, and some never return home.

Right now, I’m glad the media has been highlighting Somer Thompson’s story and many others.     Not because of the fear that subsequently results.  (That part I can live without).

But because maybe it will serve as a reminder or a teachable moment for parents to simply take a few minutes to talk to their children about safety issues, maybe create an action plan for their kids if they do walk home from school on their own.

Maybe one more child can be saved in honor of Somer Thompson’s memory.

www.safelyeverafter.com

Consider this:  most kids understand the concept of rules.    Whether they’re at school, on the playground or at home, they know there are certain  acceptable behaviors and guidelines  they’re expected follow.  In fact, kids count on this kind of structure as they navigate through their world.  It’s how they get through the day!    By giving children the Super 10 Safe-Smarts Rules, we’re empowering them with exactly what they should know to keep safe.    These rules let kids know that they have rights, and can take action when they need to.

The Super-10 Safe-Smarts Rules are great because they apply to all kinds of situations, with people that our children:  know, don’t know, or know just a little bit. Whether we want to teach kids to be safe around their soccer coach or the stranger at the park, the Super-10 is an effective, clear way to get the conversation started!

Look  for teachable moments:  on your way to an outing or playdate, as you’re setting the table together, etc.     You can introduce a rule or two in just a few minutes and ask them if they understand it.  Another great way to introduce the Super 10 is to play the “What If?” game.  Simply put… “What if someone approaches you asking for help?”  “What if a grownup told you to keep a secret from your parents that makes you feel yucky?” Keep the tone of  “What If’” light, and remind your kids that they can be safe-strong and in charge!

Lastly, let kids know that both children and adults must follow the safety rules.

The Super-Ten Safe-Smarts Rules For Kids and Grownups!

1. I am THE BOSS OF MY BODY!
2. I know my name, address and phone number… and my parents’ cell phone number, too.
3. Safe Grownups Don’t Ask Kids for Help. (They go to other adults for assistance)
4. I never go ANYWHERE or take ANYTHING from someone I don’t know… no matter what they say.
5. I always CHECK FIRST and get permission before:  I go anywhere, change my plans, or TAKE SOMETHING even if it’s from someone I know. If I can’t check first, then the answer is “NO!”
6. Everyone’s “bathing suit areas” on their body are private. No bathing suit area games allowed.
7. I don’t have to be POLITE if someone makes me feel scared or uncomfortable.  It’s okay to say NO! even to a grownup or bigger kid if I have to.
8. I don’t keep SECRETS from my parents.   (No one should tell a child to keep a secret from their parents, especially one that involves their bodies.)
9. If I ever get lost in a public place, I can FREEZE AND YELL or go to a MOM WITH KIDS and ask for help.
10. I always listen to my own inner voice… especially if I get an “uh-oh” feeling.

Safe Bosses Watch Out For Tricky People.

It’s Not What They Look Like,

It’s What They Say or Want You To Do.

Tricky People are THUMBS DOWN!

www.safelyeverafter.com

I recently set off to find the answer to this burning question after participating on a Q&A safety panel with other experts, including Nancy Davis, resident blogger for Safety4Kids and author/New York prosecutor, Jill Starishevsky, at an event in Los Angeles.

The answers I found aren’t particularly surprising, but they did make me realize that most parents are still in the dark about the realities of childhood sexual abuse and subsequently, how they can protect their kids from a molester’s tricks.

Here are a few of the most recurrent comments parents shared with me (and my responses!):

1. We’ve already talked to our kids about stranger-danger, so we’ve covered this.

Hold on there!   The truth is 90 percent of childhood sexual abuse doesn’t happen by a “stranger”.   More often than not, it’s someone the kids know.   And,  even when it is a “stranger” who approaches a child, many kids can be easily fooled or tricked by a friendly introduction from someone who smiles and perhaps offers an enticing treat or seems to need their help.   Kids think strangers look like the “boogeyman”, complete with dark clothes and a scowling face.    Well, most strangers don’t approach kids that way.  Their “tricks” would never work!     Instead of telling kids not to talk to strangers, a more effective way to keep them safe is to tell them to watch out for “tricky people” - someone who may look nice but tries to get you to break a safety rule.

2. We don’t want to scare our kids, so we’d rather not bring up the issue at all.

I hear you on the first part of that, but not the second part! There are plenty of ways that parents can empower kids with safety skills and concepts using effective, child-friendly language, AND without ever resorting to scary stories or fear tactics.   Parents teach their kids about fire safety, pool safety, even safety about crossing the street all the time. You haven’t made the kids terrified of swimming pools or cars, you just gave them clear guidelines.   It’s the same with teaching kids about “good touch/bad touch” or “tricky people”.    By giving kids specific safety rules, they can recognize when someone is out of bounds.

3. It’s  too depressing, we just don’t want to “go there”.

Denial isn’t going to make the problem go away or keep our kids safe. The good news is that by focusing on positive ways to talk to kids, empowering rules, and child-friendly concepts that makes sense to them, we can protect children without ever hitting a doom and gloom note or wallowing in depressing statistics.

Hey, I’m a mom, too.   I want my daughter to grow up feeling safe and secure, not fearful of the world.

As a Child Safety Educator, it’s my job to help parents and caregivers teach their kids effective “safe-smarts rules” that work. It’s as easy as 1…2…3!

www.safelyeverafter.com