Don’t expect kids to be able to resist a tempting offer from a “stranger” in public like… free ice cream, an interesting toy, a puppy… especially if you’ve only relied on teaching “stranger-danger” up till now.

Reason #1 – Most “strangers” don’t look like the boogeyman. They smile, wear nice clothes and have some kind of enticing TRICK to attract a child. They may even be someone the child knows “a little bit” like the ice cream man.

Reason #2 – Often, a child’s stranger-danger radar doesn’t even kick in when it should because they see US talking to strangers every day (at the market, bank, restaurant, etc.).  If someone looks or sounds nice, kids don’t interpret them as a “stranger.”

Reason #3 – Kids learn by example.
Use the 3 R’s of child safety:   Rules, Role Playing and Repetition. You actually have to give kids very specific Do’s and Don’t’s for when they’re out in public… at the park, the beach, a store.  SHOW them what to DO if anyone asks them to come into the ice cream truck, help with a lost puppy, or even suggests taking a walk further away to play with a toy.

The short and simple rule:  “No, I have to ask first” and race right back to Mom/Dad to ask.

Role-play with your kids ahead of time. You “be” the child. Act it out for them like a little skit. Make it fun, but firm. When kids actually see the Ask First rule in action, it makes more sense. Don’t rely on just talking about a safety concept, demonstrate how it works. Show them how to “cut the conversation” by saying NO and RUNNING BACK to you immediately. No continued dialog with that “tricky person!”

Go over the rule more than once. Find teachable moments; on the way to the park or party, or set up a 5 minute Safety Rule Skit once a week. Be creative and consistent.
The biggest mistake a parent can make is thinking that your child knows what to do after having one safety conversation with you.

Keep up the dialog with your older kids. Children ages 9 to 12 are statistically more vulnerable to sexual abuse and the grooming tricks of a predator.

Reason #4 – Over 90% of childhood sexual abuse happens to kids by someone they know, not by a stranger. So, while we do have to teach kids about safety with people they don’t know, it’s important to be mindful of whom they interact with more frequently…  a soccer coach, Auntie Sue’s new boyfriend, our next door neighbor. For more prevention tips for parents and children, visit www.safelyeverafter.com

For starters, call it the “Uh-Oh”  feeling because that’s speaking their language.  You can begin with an easy conversation. “We should always listen to our uh-oh feeling.  It’s like a little warning bell that tells us there might be a problem or something just doesn’t feel right.  Sometimes it might make us feel a little scared or sad or mad.  If you get an uh-oh feeling about someone, even a friend or a grownup, it’s okay to tell Mom or Dad all about it, so we can help.”

Ever notice how some kids go from being outgoing with one person, to shy and introverted with someone else?   That’s their “uh-oh feeling” kicking in. For whatever reason, it’s important that we honor it, and not try to talk them out of it. If we consistently talk our kids out of their instincts, eventually it stops kicking in or they’ll stop bothering to tell us about it.

Tips For Talking To Kids About The Uh-Oh Feeling!

Ages 2-3:  Simply start by identifying a variety of feelings or moods. “Wow, you look mad/sad/scared/happy/confused/surprised/excited.”   If it looks like they have an “uh-oh feeling”, you can say:  ”Look’s like you got an uh-oh feeling about that big dog or that loud noise.”   By labeling their feelings, we help kids name what they’re feeling, and we give them permission to feel it and to express it to us.

Ages 3-4:   You can use more specific examples to explain Uh-Oh feelings.
• “Uh-oh, I don’t think it’s a good idea to cross the street when a car is coming!”
• “Uh-oh, I don’t think it’s a good idea to run off at the park unless you tell me where you’re going first.”
• “Uh-oh, there’s so many people at the mall. Let’s stay close so we don’t get lost.”
• “Uh-oh, sometimes I just don’t feel like being tickled by…”

Ages 5 and Up:   By now, most kids have experienced some kind of an “uh-oh’ feeling.  And there are plenty of innocent reasons for “uh-oh’s” – it’s not always a major catastrophe! Now’s the time to really help them understand their feelings and how to handle an “uh-oh” if they get it.  Role play with some gentle “What If” scenarios to help them know what to do if they get an “uh-oh”feeling.  Sometimes it means saying NO to someone, or getting away quickly from someone and coming back to find their safe adult.  Give kids the tools and language that empower them.  You can even share an experience of your own.
• “I got an uh-oh feeling and didn’t want to park my car in a dark spot at the mall, so I drove a little more and found a better spot near a light.”
• “I got an uh-oh feeling when I was a kid because I didn’t like wrestling with my older cousin.   So I told him NO, and then told my mom.  She told him I didn’t like it either.”

When you share your feelings, your children trust that they can share theirs.  And nothing says safety like knowing “Mom and Dad have my back!”

Reminder for parents: Please monitor the relationships that certain adults want to have with your kids, especially if someone seems a little too good to be true.   If a teacher is attempting to ingratiate himself into your family life with lots of offers that relieve you of your parental duties: step back and say No. Teachers shouldn’t be taking kids out to the beach, shopping, or making a student their “special friend” with lavish gifts or outings, etc. Mark Berndt knew exactly who he could target and who he’d better leave alone. A visible parent can be a deterrent. It doesn’t mean you have to show up at every PTA meeting or at school every single day. But let everyone in that environment know you’re paying attention, that you have good communication with your child, and that you’re up on your child’s “day to day” activities.

Miramonte and all of the LAUSD … we’re watching.

http://thelip.tv/empowering-our-children-against-sexual-abuse-pattie-fitzgerald-on-the-intentional-parent/

These are just two of the most recent news reports of child sexual abusers working within the Hollywood community. The most alarming truth: these two not only had access to large numbers of children, but also used their “good guy/position of authority” persona to commit their crimes leaving parents angry and concerned about how they can safely let their children work in show business without being victimized.

In the current case against convicted child molester, Jason James Murphy, there have been no current allegations of sexual abuse with child actors – at least no one has come forward as of yet. Murphy was arrested and charged in Los Angeles in late November, on suspicion of violating the state’s sex offender registration laws, by failing to file a name change and change of address, when his identity was revealed last month. If convicted, he is facing a three year prison sentence. For the record, in 1996 Murphy was convicted in Washington and sentenced to almost 7 years in prison for molesting a young boy who he met while working as a camp counselor. His victim was 8 years old.

A spokesman from Paramount Studio has stated that they will reassess their hiring process and will conduct background checks on all freelance employees working with children. Uh, Paramount… you’re just thinking of this now??? Still, it’s a hopeful sign that the studio wants to do the right thing and may be a little more diligent and careful before just hiring anyone to work with child actors. In the case of Murphy, because of the name change, he was able to fly under the radar. As due-diligence, perhaps those seeking to work with children should be fingerprinted as part of the background check. This might have been much more effective in revealing information on Murphy that he was not forthcoming about.

In the case of Martin Weiss, he actually admits to having sexual intercourse with his victim, a young boy approximately 11 years old at the time it began, but Weiss denies that it was sexual abuse. Excuse me?!?!?! For the record, sex with a child is not only abuse, it’s a crime. And even worse, using your position of power to manipulate a child with acting aspirations to convince them that “this is the way it’s done in Hollywood” is not only a lie but it’s despicable grooming at it’s most heinous level. So, Mr. Weiss, the next time you want to deny that you did anything wrong, look up the California penal code first, and then look in the mirror because in addition to being a child molester, you are a liar and a thief – who steals a child’s innocence, in fact stealing their childhood. You are a criminal.

Meanwhile, a note to parents with children in the entertainment industry: Talk to your kids BEFORE they go on casting calls and auditions. It’s true that they are going to have to be in “one-on-one” environments with casting people, agents, producers and directors as part of this process. But children in the industry HAVE TO KNOW ahead of time that it is never okay for someone to suggest that they participate in any kind of sexual activity. This is NOT “how it’s done.” Please have this conversation with your child. And when they’re finished with an audition, ask them a little bit more than just “how did it go?”

Let your child know they can tell you anytime, if they get an “uh-oh” feeling from someone on the audition or on set, that they can still pursue their dreams of performing and that you will ensure that they do so safely.

Most Hollywood industry professionals are safe and aren’t out to victimize children. But we owe to our kids to empower & educate them first and not just “blindly” trust those with the “power” to make our kids a star.

Our society hasn’t come very far in protecting children from the horrific crime of sexual abuse. I’m angry about it. I’m disgusted with the excuses, and I’m frustrated because once again, those who could have stopped it chose not to. Same old story.

The Penn State debacle is another classic example of administrators and officials who refuse to acknowledge or, at the very least, comprehend the true nature of child sexual abuse. It’s not the stranger in the trenchcoat, it’s not the weirdo hiding in shadows. It’s often those closest to our own children who prey upon their vulnerability.
90% of sexual abuse happens to children by someone they know, someone in their familiar circle. Until society is willing to recognize that truth and stop looking for some mysterious “boogeyman”, children will continue to be sexually abused.

No one at Penn State wanted to admit that their buddy, Sandusky, the “all around good guy” was actually a manipulative, sexual deviant who used his standing in the community to perpetrate these heinous acts.

No one at Penn State wanted to admit that, since 2002, super-coach Joe Paterno and Athletic Director Tim Curley knowingly turned a blind eye when learning that Mike McQueary, in fact witnessed Sandusky sodomizing a 10 year old boy in the campus shower. Because it’s a lot easier for Paterno and his chums to ignore the truth, and make sure that the University’s athletic department was not inconvenienced in any way. It’s a lot easier to keep your mouth shut and your fat salary intact, than to actually step up and do the right thing.

How do you explain this to the boys Sandusky molested? How do you tell a child that the adults who could have stopped this creep, instead protected him, allowing him to continue his abhorrent behavior?

How do you explain Mike McQueary – the graduate assistant, who walked into a University campus shower room, witnessed an adult man raping a 10 year old boy, and walked back out? According to the Grand Jury report, he “looked in, saw the victim being sodomized by a naked Sandusky”, said nothing and left immediately, distraught. Well, thank goodness – he was distraught! Evidently, not enough to actually yell at Sandusky to stop or intervene to help the boy. Nope – not distraught enough to immediately call the police to report the rape of a child. The distraught McQueary left the shower room quietly and went to his office to call his dad. Then he went home. You might expect that from a child witness, but McQueary happened to be 28 years old at the time.
Jerry Sandusky groomed his victims in the typical fashion that many sex offenders use. Make no mistake, everyone else around him was groomed as well. He flaunted this “great guy persona” and everyone around him bought it. What’s really sickening is how his University buddies continued to buy it and blatantly lie even when it became undeniable that Sandusky was sexually abusing children. Way to go, fellas.

Sandusky deliberately chose vulnerable kids who needed a little extra attention, kids who came through his Second Mile charitable organization. Kids who looked up to him as a role model. Then he went to work. He singled out “special boys” and lavished them with affection, overnight trips to football games and sporting events. He took them to restaurants, gave them expensive gifts like golf clubs and computers, and even cash. He had them sleep over at his home and even showered with them. Sandusky used his recognition as a football coach and authority figure to create a smokescreen of deception. He chose the most defenseless kids he could find and intimidated them into keeping quiet.

A recent news media story reports that Victim #1 is now being harassed, blamed for triggering the scandal that brought down Paterno. Further proof of society’s repeated denial and refusal to acknowledge the sordid truth about the sexual abuse of children.

To the eight victims in the Grand Jury report who’ve come forward: please know that none of this was ever, ever your fault. You were children, helpless against the depravity of someone who lied and manipulated you.
The adults who should have stepped in, didn’t.

Jerry Sandusky is a child molester. Penn State knew it.

The only heroes here are the kids, now young men, who have come forward to tell the truth.

Pens, pencils, paper, gluesticks?  Check!

Safety conversation with your kids?  No problem!

Now’s the perfect time to remind your kids about a few simple safety strategies as summer comes to an end and we gear up for the next 10 months of school, sports and after-school activities, playdates and more.    Both young children and even our savvy older kids can always use a friendly reminder.

• Is your child starting a new school or daycare?
• Will they be walking to school or waiting at the bus stop?
• Are they going to spend after-school hours in a program or at a friend’s house?
• Do they know what to do if they get an “uh-oh” feeling?

Here are some helpful tips for kids of all ages, as well as some good, timely reminders for parents! 

FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN:

1. By Kindergarten, kids should know your cell phone number.   You can also put an I.D. card into their backpack with pertinent contact information,  and let them know exactly where it is in case they need it. 
2. Go over exactly who is allowed to pick them up from school… and keep the list short so it’s not confusing.  Review every day as part of your drop-off ritual, especially if there are different people picking up on different days.  I.E. “Don’t forget Grandma is picking you up today.” 
3. Create an “Ultimate Safe Grownup” list of who is allowed to them up in an emergency.    Limit to 3 safe adults… i.e. grandma, Auntie Sue, one or two of their friend’s MOM’s.
4. Tell your children you would NEVER send someone they don’t know to pick them up.  If someone else tries, they should immediately go find a teacher or another mom with kids and ask for help. 
5. Do not rely on a family password or codeword until your children are at least 9 years old.  Younger children cannot be relied on to remember the password or to ask for it, if someone else tries to pick them up. 
6. Be ON TIME/EARLY at pick-up time.   Tell your child exactly WHERE your pick up spot is to avoid them wandering.  And remind them to NEVER leave the school grounds to go looking for you. 
7. Do not put your child’s name on the outside of their belongings.  If you must label, use initials or put their name on the inside of the clothing, jackets, backpack, etc. 
8. The “Touching Rule”:  Let your child know that they are the BOSS OF THEIR BODY and that their private parts are private!   Simply put… “no private parts/touching games with other kids or adults.”           
9.  Potty Rules:  By kindergarten, children should be able to use the bathroom by themselves.  If they need help, be specific as to whom they can ask… usually it’s just the teacher or teacher’s assistant.   Don’t be surprised, however, if your school has strict rules about teachers not being allowed to help in the bathroom.  Many schools are now super-cautious about teachers in bathrooms, changing a child’s clothing, etc.       Find out exactly what your school’s policy is.                                                                   

FOR OLDER CHILDREN:

1. There’s no “right” age for when kids can walk or bike to school on their own.   Consider the maturity level of your own child.  Can they be trusted to cross streets safely?  Would they know what to do if a car pulled over and tried to engage them in conversation? 
2. Consider giving them a cell phone!  There are inexpensive phones and family plans that limit texting, talk time, outbound calls, etc.  Cell phones can be a lifesaver for both kids and parents.
3. Always USE the buddy system.  It’s more fun and a lot safer.
4. If your child walks to school on their own, plan out the route ahead of time and practice it with them several times first.  Always stick to the route.   No short cuts.
5. Identify some “safe-stops” along the way.  A convenience store, business, or safe friend’s home along the way where they can go if they need help. 
6. NO distractions. Kids shouldn’t walk to school wearing headphones, playing their DS, etc. Teach them the importance of always being aware of their surroundings.
7. Check your state’s Megan’s Law website to see if there are any registered sex offenders living on your route or in the area.  
8. No accepting rides, candy, gifts or other items from people they don’t know – No matter what that person tells them or how friendly they may seem.
9. Safe Grownups Don’t Ask Kids For Help – Kids shouldn’t assist strangers who need directions, help finding a lost pet, carrying packages to their car, or any other kind of assistance. 
10. Review personal safety concepts with plain, common sense language – not fear tactics.  Kids will “tune out” if they think we are overprotective or harping on this subject.  Let them know that you value their sense of independence and just want to be sure they’re clear on the “do’s & don’t’s”.

FOR ALL KIDS:

• Remind your child to trust their instincts:  that “uh-oh” feeling.  If anyone EVER makes them feel uncomfortable, they need to get away from that person and tell you as soon as possible.  
• No secrets from Mom or Dad… especially if it makes you feel “weird” or yucky.
• Kids are allowed to say NO to anyone, even a grownup, a teacher, sports coach, etc. if they’re asked to do something that makes them feel yucky, scared, or uncomfortable.  If someone says “Don’t tell…”  TELL.

FOR PARENTS:
Remember, the world is still a safe place and most people that our children interact with are notdangerous or waiting to hurt them when we’re not looking.    Teach safety skills in an easy-going, non fearful manner – just like you’d teach any other life skills.    A little common sense goes a long way.