Jun 12 2015

“My Child Would Never Do That” Dateline NBC 6/7/15

Last Sunday’s Dateline episode was a huge eye-opener for many parents. (If you missed it, click the Dateline link here.)  Below is a checklist for parents to review with their kids. It’s not about being a helicopter parent, it’s about teaching them how to handle certain situations and how to be independent. You wouldn’t drop a kid in the deep end of the pool and tell ‘em to swim… unless you’ve really taught them how to first AND you know they’re ready.

What Every Kid Should Know…
A 12-Point Checklist for Parents & Kids To Review

Teaching kids “safe-smarts” doesn’t have to be scary or overwhelming for parents.   For everyone…Put out a vibe that says you’re not an easy target.  DISTRACTION means “easy target” to a perpetrator.  Whether you live in Smalltown, USA or a big urban city, every kid should know the following:

1. No headphones in your ears, no talking on the phone or texting. A perpetrator has the upper hand if he can take you by surprise.
2. Do a visual inventory & stay ALERT. Are there risky spots along your route: alleys, doorways, parking lots, empty lots or deserted buildings? If so, avoid whenever possible or be extra attentive if you must take that route.
3. Don’t be too polite, especially to someone you don’t know. You don’t have to “help” anyone who approaches you needing assistance (directions, carrying packages, looking for lost pets, etc.). It’s OK to say “Sorry, can’t help you today.” Asking a kid for help is one of the oldest tricks in the book!!
4. Disengage… “cut the conversation” and MOVE ON.  The longer you keep talking to someone who’s trying to get you to do something, the more likely they’ll eventually be able to talk you into it, which means: #5 below!
5. Know You’re Exit Strategy and GET OUT OF THE “Danger-Zone” immediately. Remove yourself from the perpetrator’s easy access. Change direction, cross the street, go into a nearby store or business.
6. Have established “Safe-Stops” along the way where you can go quickly if you’re getting an “uh-oh” feeling from anyone. (Especially for kids who walk home from school everyday!)
7. Stay Out in the Open. No shortcuts through secluded areas where you cannot be seen.
8. Go “Bananas”! If you’re grabbed or accosted, start yelling…. “Help, Call 911, This is not my parent.” Drop your belongings, run, kick. Do whatever you need to do to call attention to yourself.
9. Don’t Obey The Perpetrator! If someone says “don’t run/don’t yell” – you should RUN AND YELL. That perp. is actually telling you that if you RUN and YELL, chances are he’ll have to stop trying to victimize you.
10. Never, ever get into a vehicle with someone you don’t know, or even with someone you know, unless you’ve gotten permission ahead of time from your parent. Sometimes a perp. is a stranger, but sometimes it can even be someone known to the family. A kid’s response should simply be: “Sorry, not allowed”.
11. Have a “FAMILY CODE WORD”. If anyone (even someone you know) tells you they were sent to pick you up, ask for the CODE WORD. If that person doesn’t know it, it means they’re lying. Get away quickly.
12. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. That “Uh-Oh Feeling” is the best barometer for letting you know something’s not right. Don’t ignore it!

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Mar 06 2015

Keeping Up With Kids & Social Media!

Remember when all you had to do was “friend” your kid on Facebook and you could keep up with their online socializing. Those days are long gone. Once the grownups starting enjoying Facebook themselves, it became “uncool” for kids, plus there are so many newer, faster, jazzier ways for them to socialize online now. Instant gratification seems to be the norm here. So, here’s what you need to know, parents:  the apps and social sites they’re going to, how they work and the pros/cons and everything in between.  Click on this link to learn the 15 Apps & Social Media Sites Kids Are Using right now.

Thank you to Common Sense Media for putting it all together!

 

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Jul 01 2014

The Sleepover Dilemma

Published by under Child Safety

(This one’s a little long, but totally worth it!)

Sleepovers?!? Personally, I’m not a huge fan of them, mainly because in my experience, no one ever gets much sleep! The day after a sleepover is very often a cranky disaster, but that’s another story.

At some point every parent asks the same question… should we or shouldn’t we?

Option A – You could make your rule: NO SLEEPOVERS EVER. Plenty of parents take this approach, plain and simple. And that’s ok. Every parent is allowed their own comfort level on this one and there shouldn’t be any judgments made if a parent decides they just aren’t doing them.
Option B – If Option A isn’t for you, that’s ok too. Many parents have fond memories of sleepovers when they were kids and would like their children to be able to enjoy the same thing…which is fine PROVIDED: you use common sense, ask the right questions beforehand, and make sure your child knows what to do if the sleepover starts to go in the wrong direction and they don’t feel comfortable.

Sleepovers can be fun, but they can also be a slippery slope for the simple reason that there is often less supervision over a longer period of time. And, late at night when it’s quiet, a child may not know how to seek out help if something goes wrong.

If you’re going to allow your child to sleep at a friend’s house, do your “due-diligence” first. Is there anyone in that household (adults or other kids) with bully issues or other aggressive traits? If so, I’m not letting my kid sleep over there. Who else is sleeping over? Who’s supervising… Is it the parents or are the babysitter and her boyfriend watching the kids tonight?

What’s the household like? Some families have much different rules about what is allowed… games, tv shows, computer use? I’m not too keen on sleepovers where kids are allowed to gather around the laptop in their friend’s bedroom till all hours. I want to know that the adults in charge are monitoring and have specific rules and time limits for technology.  Kids should not be allowed technology in the bedroom at a sleepover and you have the right as the parent to ask about that!

And then of course, is the concern that most parents have… what about their child’s personal safety, particularly when it comes to “unsafe touches?” That’s a healthy and appropriate concern you should address before ever allowing a sleepover.

It’s important to have specific conversations ahead of time with our kids and make sure they’re able to stick up for themselves if necessary. It’s not enough to tell your child “no one is allowed to touch your private parts.” Kids need to know what to DO and SAY if this happens. They need an “exit strategy”. And they won’t necessarily be able to think of it themselves unless we’ve taught them what to do.

Give your child “scripted responses” they can use if necessary. Lines like: “I don’t let anyone touch my penis, not even my friends.” “It’s MY body and I said NO.” “Hands Off MY Body NOW!” (Practice these with your child. It may come in handy at other times, besides sleepovers!) Then, your child should know it’s time to get some support. Either find the grownup/parent in charge or call up their own mom or dad and say “This sleepover isn’t going so great, please pick me up.”   If the sleepover is at your house and your child is uncomfortable by another child’s actions, he can “redirect” the dynamic and say “I need a drink of water” or “I’m going to the bathroom”, and then come to get you right away.  Give your child a code they can use with you, something like:  “I miss our dog tonight, or I have a tummy-ache.”
Let your child know that sometimes sleepovers don’t always work out in a fun way, and if he gets a “confused, uh-oh feeling” even from a friend or a grownup there, he can call you anytime. You can also reassure him that he may still be allowed sleepovers in the future, but that sometimes we just have to call it off if someone else isn’t doing the right thing. This way, your child won’t feel badly for telling you and he’ll understand that he won’t be “penalized” in the future by never being able to go on a sleepover again. This will go a long way in his trusting the lines of communication with you.

Before allowing sleepovers, check out some of the questions below:

Do you know everyone who lives at the home or is staying there at the moment?
Is this a chaotic, stressful household with minimal supervision?
Do the parents have similar values as you?
Do they make you feel guilty or silly for simply asking questions or being concerned?
Anyone in the household have a substance abuse problem?
Has anyone there, including another child, ever given you an “UH-OH FEELING” FOR ANY REASON?
Will your child need to take a bath there? (Note: the smartest choice is for the child to bathe at home before going).
Does anyone in the household (including adults & children) seem overly sexualized or “off” in some way?
Who is supervising… parents or nanny/babysitter and her boyfriend?
Who else is sleeping there? Other kids, adults, older siblings’ friends?
Is your child mature enough to speak up for themselves when they feel uncomfortable or uneasy?
Does your child know they can call you at any time and you’ll pick them up?
Does your child have the maturity or ability to stick up for themselves if something makes them uncomfortable?
Have you had a clear conversation about “thumbs up and thumbs down touches” with your child?
Have you shown them WHERE the phone is in that home if they need to call you but are afraid to ask the parents there to use the phone?

It’s our job as the parent to evaluate each situation individually, and make sure it really is a safe place for our child… and that includes sleepovers, drop-off playdates, family reunions, after-school activities, and any other environment where our child is on their own. It’s not about helicopter parenting… it’s about making smart, safe, educated decisions when it comes to our kids!

Check out these children’s books for ways to talk to your kids about personal safety:
“No Trespassing – This IS MY Body!” and “Super Duper Safety School”…. Available at amazon.com or safelyeverafter.com

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Jun 12 2014

A Child’s Exit Strategy

Published by under Child Safety

TIP OF THE DAY! Set up a little “family code” between you and your child if they need to call you to pick them up early from a sleepover or playdate in case they’re getting an Uh-Oh Feeling (or for any reason). Something like “My throat hurts”, “I have an earache”, “I miss my dog!” – anything that’s easy to remember. That’s your signal that they need you to help them exit a situation. Some kids just aren’t sure how to get out of a situation when other kids or grownups are around. They may feel scared or embarrassed, and they simply need an easy solution that makes them feel secure that you’re their “safety net.” The family code gives your child an “out” and a feeling of security even when you’re not right there.

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Mar 03 2014

Thwarting A Would-Be Kidnapper

A scary thing happened last week in Westchester, CA, a lovely residential suburb on the westside of Los Angeles.   The kind of place where you don’t expect bad things to happen, like the attempted abduction of a child… especially in broad daylight.  But that’s exactly what happened.  A brazen attempted kidnapping, in the middle of the day, on a busy, main street in town.
The scenario: a nanny walking with the 2 young children she cares for, a 4 year old boy and his 6 year old brother. Their typical walk home like any other day. In broad daylight, on this busy thoroughfare, a man in his 30’s races up to the nanny, assaults her, grabs the 4 year old and tries to run off with him. In the chaos that follows, the nanny screams for help. Thankfully, a hero named Jesus Delgado working in a nearby taco stand, heard her cries and sprang into action. After chasing the attacker for two blocks, Delgado finally caught up with him and rescued the boy.
He held the would-be kidnapper until police arrived. The 4 year old is safe with his family, and Jesus Delgado is rightfully hailed as a hero… a man who didn’t stop to think, just reacted to the cry for help and acted fast.

It’s the kind of frightening story that naturally scares parents to their very core. Our sense of vulnerability suddenly a stinging slap in the face. There is a need for answers and for reassurance. How can we prevent this?
Random “snatch and run’s” as they are referred to, are rare occurrences. Statistically, most child abductions are “familial” in nature, by someone the child knows (a non-custodial parent or other relative). But reality dictates that we must always be vigilant when we’re out and about. Whether you’re with your kids or not. Whether you live in small town USA or a big, urban area.

A perp. looks for quick easy access and a target that looks like they either won’t put up a fight, or will be caught off guard and slow to react. Even a perp. who is emotionally unstable is very often calculating enough to assess their target beforehand to see if they can proceed.
It’s not about living in fear. It’s about being aware, and you should be able to walk in your own neighborhood without feeling like a potential victim every time you open your front door. Your best defense is to stay alert, be pro-active. For starters, put out a vibe that you’re not an “easy target.”

Prevention Tips
• As adults, we tend to be less guarded and more distracted in our own neighborhoods and communities because it’s our familiar turf. It’s important to walk “like you mean it”, with a purpose: eyes always alert to anyone nearby who seems “off” in any way, or who starts to get in your personal space, or seems interested in watching you. Get out of the “line of crime” quickly. Cross the street as soon as you can. Or go into a nearby store or business. Remove yourself from the other person’s easy access.
Take in your immediate environment...alleys, doorways, anywhere where you can be “caught by surprise”. If you walk the same route all the time, where are the more vulnerable spots that you should be aware of?
• When you’re in busy areas (parking lots, parks & rec. areas, walking down the street), do a quick visual inventory every now and then. Who’s in your environment?
• Don’t walk with headphones on or while talking on the phone or texting. Distraction means “easy” to a perp.
You don’t have to be too polite, especially to someone you don’t know. A perp. counts on you being trusting and naiive. If a car pulls up to ask for directions, don’t walk right up and start talking to the occupants. You’d teach your child this; the same goes for us. Especially when we’re with our kids. It can give our kids a mixed message.
• If you do feel that you need to assist someone, don’t get too close and don’t take a lot of time doing it! Keep moving. If someone needs assistance, they can drive to nearby store or gas station to ask for help.
• Young kids who won’t always hold your hand? Then they should be only 2 giant steps away from you. And, this means the grownup has to be even more alert to the surroundings.
• If a child is grabbed, (no matter what age) teach them to “go bananas!” That means scream, kick, and call attention to themselves. They can yell out, “I need help”, “This is not my parent”, “Call 911”.
• If someone says “don’t yell/ don’t run”: do the OPPOSITE. That person is basically saying if YOU yell or run, he’ll have to stop trying to victimize you.
Keep your cell phone easily accessible… in your pocket, an outer pouch of your purse. It shouldn’t be buried at the bottom of your bag.
• Talk to your nannies or sitters ahead of time and guide them with what they should do to prevent. Anyone caring for kids (parent/sitters, etc.) should be especially alert in parks and rec. areas where there are lots of people, kids are running around, etc.
The best remedy for worry is: action. Take a pro-active approach to lessen your risk, reduce your vulnerability.
Please remember: Most people you encounter on a daily basis are not child predators. You shouldn’t fear all strangers. There are literally millions of “strangers” who would not harm you or your child. Use common sense, stay alert and aware, empower yourselves and your families.

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Nov 10 2013

Just Tell Me What To Say!

“I know I have to talk to my kids about being safe, but I don’t know how to get started. Just tell me what to say!”

I hear this a lot from parents.  They know the old stranger-danger message isn’t the way to go anymore but they’re stuck with what they should be telling their kids.

It’s hard enough to think of the right words, let alone the right concepts that will work and most importantly not scare our kids. That’s why I wrote “Super Duper Safety School.”  It’s based on the same safety rules and curriculum that I teach in classrooms throughout Southern California, where I’m usually working in schools almost every day. In fact, this is my classroom safety lesson put into one easy-to-use children’s book.

Super Duper Safety School  give kids practical “do’s and don’ts” in an easy to digest format. It does the work for you because it’s practically a script with the same language and illustrations that I use in schools all the time.

The nice thing about using a children’s book to cover topics like “tricky people”, checking first, “the helping rule”, and private parts is that you can go slowly, at your own pace, covering a little bit at a time and reviewing whenever you’d like. It allows for conversation between parent and child, and is more interactive than having kids sit in front a video, without much input from you. Research shows that children are more likely to retain important information when they are actively engaged.

I hope you’ll take a look at Super Duper Safety School and incorporate it into your family life. It tells you exactly what to say!
(And, there’s a super-duper parent guide  and bookmark at the end!)

http://www.amazon.com/Super-Duper-Safety-School-Grown-Ups/dp/0984747214

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