Safely Ever After Inc. Blog

I had the pleasure of being the featured guest on a terrific web show called “The Intentional Parent” hosted by author, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Greg Matuskiewicz. We discussed simple ways for parents to keep their children safe, introducing the topic of safety with the right language (non-fearful of course!), and how parents can minimize opportunity by recognizing the grooming techniques of “tricky people”. Get rid of stranger-danger and you’re heading in the right direction. It’s a 60 minute interview based on my parenting workshop “An Ounce of Prevention.” Also, check out other episodes – there are some wonderful topics discussed for Intentional Parents. Click here or cut and paste into your browser to view.

http://thelip.tv/empowering-our-children-against-sexual-abuse-pattie-fitzgerald-on-the-intentional-parent/

Martin Weiss – Santa Monica based talent manager of child actors, charged in late November with committing lewd acts with a child under the age of 14.
Jason James Murphy – Hollywood casting agent, hired to cast children in films including “Super 8”, “Bad News Bears”, and “School of Rock”, recently discovered to be a convicted sex offender flying under the radar of current employers and parents by simply dropping his last name, making it virtually impossible for his profile to show up if and when anyone checked the California sex offender register. (http://meganslaw.ca.gov/)

These are just two of the most recent news reports of child sexual abusers working within the Hollywood community. The most alarming truth: these two not only had access to large numbers of children, but also used their “good guy/position of authority” persona to commit their crimes leaving parents angry and concerned about how they can safely let their children work in show business without being victimized.

In the current case against convicted child molester, Jason James Murphy, there have been no current allegations of sexual abuse with child actors – at least no one has come forward as of yet. Murphy was arrested and charged in Los Angeles in late November, on suspicion of violating the state’s sex offender registration laws, by failing to file a name change and change of address, when his identity was revealed last month. If convicted, he is facing a three year prison sentence. For the record, in 1996 Murphy was convicted in Washington and sentenced to almost 7 years in prison for molesting a young boy who he met while working as a camp counselor. His victim was 8 years old.

A spokesman from Paramount Studio has stated that they will reassess their hiring process and will conduct background checks on all freelance employees working with children. Uh, Paramount… you’re just thinking of this now??? Still, it’s a hopeful sign that the studio wants to do the right thing and may be a little more diligent and careful before just hiring anyone to work with child actors. In the case of Murphy, because of the name change, he was able to fly under the radar. As due-diligence, perhaps those seeking to work with children should be fingerprinted as part of the background check. This might have been much more effective in revealing information on Murphy that he was not forthcoming about.

In the case of Martin Weiss, he actually admits to having sexual intercourse with his victim, a young boy approximately 11 years old at the time it began, but Weiss denies that it was sexual abuse. Excuse me?!?!?! For the record, sex with a child is not only abuse, it’s a crime. And even worse, using your position of power to manipulate a child with acting aspirations to convince them that “this is the way it’s done in Hollywood” is not only a lie but it’s despicable grooming at it’s most heinous level. So, Mr. Weiss, the next time you want to deny that you did anything wrong, look up the California penal code first, and then look in the mirror because in addition to being a child molester, you are a liar and a thief – who steals a child’s innocence, in fact stealing their childhood. You are a criminal.

Meanwhile, a note to parents with children in the entertainment industry: Talk to your kids BEFORE they go on casting calls and auditions. It’s true that they are going to have to be in “one-on-one” environments with casting people, agents, producers and directors as part of this process. But children in the industry HAVE TO KNOW ahead of time that it is never okay for someone to suggest that they participate in any kind of sexual activity. This is NOT “how it’s done.” Please have this conversation with your child. And when they’re finished with an audition, ask them a little bit more than just “how did it go?”

Let your child know they can tell you anytime, if they get an “uh-oh” feeling from someone on the audition or on set, that they can still pursue their dreams of performing and that you will ensure that they do so safely.

Most Hollywood industry professionals are safe and aren’t out to victimize children. But we owe to our kids to empower & educate them first and not just “blindly” trust those with the “power” to make our kids a star.

There is an awful lot of the ‘same old, same old’ in the current sex abuse scandal at Penn State University. Same grooming & manipulative behavior by the abuser, Jerry Sandusky. Same cover-up and denial by everyone surrounding him: Joe Paterno, Mike McQueary, Tim Curley, Gary Schultz, and Graham Spanier – University administrators who turned a blind eye to what was painfully obvious. Slap a clerical collar on Sandusky and his cronies and we have the Catholic Church scandal all over again.

Our society hasn’t come very far in protecting children from the horrific crime of sexual abuse. I’m angry about it. I’m disgusted with the excuses, and I’m frustrated because once again, those who could have stopped it chose not to. Same old story.

The Penn State debacle is another classic example of administrators and officials who refuse to acknowledge or, at the very least, comprehend the true nature of child sexual abuse. It’s not the stranger in the trenchcoat, it’s not the weirdo hiding in shadows. It’s often those closest to our own children who prey upon their vulnerability.
90% of sexual abuse happens to children by someone they know, someone in their familiar circle. Until society is willing to recognize that truth and stop looking for some mysterious “boogeyman”, children will continue to be sexually abused.

No one at Penn State wanted to admit that their buddy, Sandusky, the “all around good guy” was actually a manipulative, sexual deviant who used his standing in the community to perpetrate these heinous acts.

No one at Penn State wanted to admit that, since 2002, super-coach Joe Paterno and Athletic Director Tim Curley knowingly turned a blind eye when learning that Mike McQueary, in fact witnessed Sandusky sodomizing a 10 year old boy in the campus shower. Because it’s a lot easier for Paterno and his chums to ignore the truth, and make sure that the University’s athletic department was not inconvenienced in any way. It’s a lot easier to keep your mouth shut and your fat salary intact, than to actually step up and do the right thing.

How do you explain this to the boys Sandusky molested? How do you tell a child that the adults who could have stopped this creep, instead protected him, allowing him to continue his abhorrent behavior?

How do you explain Mike McQueary – the graduate assistant, who walked into a University campus shower room, witnessed an adult man raping a 10 year old boy, and walked back out? According to the Grand Jury report, he “looked in, saw the victim being sodomized by a naked Sandusky”, said nothing and left immediately, distraught. Well, thank goodness – he was distraught! Evidently, not enough to actually yell at Sandusky to stop or intervene to help the boy. Nope – not distraught enough to immediately call the police to report the rape of a child. The distraught McQueary left the shower room quietly and went to his office to call his dad. Then he went home. You might expect that from a child witness, but McQueary happened to be 28 years old at the time.
Jerry Sandusky groomed his victims in the typical fashion that many sex offenders use. Make no mistake, everyone else around him was groomed as well. He flaunted this “great guy persona” and everyone around him bought it. What’s really sickening is how his University buddies continued to buy it and blatantly lie even when it became undeniable that Sandusky was sexually abusing children. Way to go, fellas.

Sandusky deliberately chose vulnerable kids who needed a little extra attention, kids who came through his Second Mile charitable organization. Kids who looked up to him as a role model. Then he went to work. He singled out “special boys” and lavished them with affection, overnight trips to football games and sporting events. He took them to restaurants, gave them expensive gifts like golf clubs and computers, and even cash. He had them sleep over at his home and even showered with them. Sandusky used his recognition as a football coach and authority figure to create a smokescreen of deception. He chose the most defenseless kids he could find and intimidated them into keeping quiet.

A recent news media story reports that Victim #1 is now being harassed, blamed for triggering the scandal that brought down Paterno. Further proof of society’s repeated denial and refusal to acknowledge the sordid truth about the sexual abuse of children.

To the eight victims in the Grand Jury report who’ve come forward: please know that none of this was ever, ever your fault. You were children, helpless against the depravity of someone who lied and manipulated you.
The adults who should have stepped in, didn’t.

Jerry Sandusky is a child molester. Penn State knew it.

The only heroes here are the kids, now young men, who have come forward to tell the truth.

New school clothes?  Check!

Pens, pencils, paper, gluesticks?  Check!

Safety conversation with your kids?  No problem!

Now’s the perfect time to remind your kids about a few simple safety strategies as summer comes to an end and we gear up for the next 10 months of school, sports and after-school activities, playdates and more.    Both young children and even our savvy older kids can always use a friendly reminder.

• Is your child starting a new school or daycare?
• Will they be walking to school or waiting at the bus stop?
• Are they going to spend after-school hours in a program or at a friend’s house?
• Do they know what to do if they get an “uh-oh” feeling?

Here are some helpful tips for kids of all ages, as well as some good, timely reminders for parents! 

FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN:

1. By Kindergarten, kids should know your cell phone number.   You can also put an I.D. card into their backpack with pertinent contact information,  and let them know exactly where it is in case they need it. 
2. Go over exactly who is allowed to pick them up from school… and keep the list short so it’s not confusing.  Review every day as part of your drop-off ritual, especially if there are different people picking up on different days.  I.E. “Don’t forget Grandma is picking you up today.” 
3. Create an “Ultimate Safe Grownup” list of who is allowed to them up in an emergency.    Limit to 3 safe adults… i.e. grandma, Auntie Sue, one or two of their friend’s MOM’s.
4. Tell your children you would NEVER send someone they don’t know to pick them up.  If someone else tries, they should immediately go find a teacher or another mom with kids and ask for help. 
5. Do not rely on a family password or codeword until your children are at least 9 years old.  Younger children cannot be relied on to remember the password or to ask for it, if someone else tries to pick them up. 
6. Be ON TIME/EARLY at pick-up time.   Tell your child exactly WHERE your pick up spot is to avoid them wandering.  And remind them to NEVER leave the school grounds to go looking for you. 
7. Do not put your child’s name on the outside of their belongings.  If you must label, use initials or put their name on the inside of the clothing, jackets, backpack, etc. 
8. The “Touching Rule”:  Let your child know that they are the BOSS OF THEIR BODY and that their private parts are private!   Simply put… “no private parts/touching games with other kids or adults.”           
9.  Potty Rules:  By kindergarten, children should be able to use the bathroom by themselves.  If they need help, be specific as to whom they can ask… usually it’s just the teacher or teacher’s assistant.   Don’t be surprised, however, if your school has strict rules about teachers not being allowed to help in the bathroom.  Many schools are now super-cautious about teachers in bathrooms, changing a child’s clothing, etc.       Find out exactly what your school’s policy is.                                                                   

FOR OLDER CHILDREN:

1. There’s no “right” age for when kids can walk or bike to school on their own.   Consider the maturity level of your own child.  Can they be trusted to cross streets safely?  Would they know what to do if a car pulled over and tried to engage them in conversation? 
2. Consider giving them a cell phone!  There are inexpensive phones and family plans that limit texting, talk time, outbound calls, etc.  Cell phones can be a lifesaver for both kids and parents.
3. Always USE the buddy system.  It’s more fun and a lot safer.
4. If your child walks to school on their own, plan out the route ahead of time and practice it with them several times first.  Always stick to the route.   No short cuts.
5. Identify some “safe-stops” along the way.  A convenience store, business, or safe friend’s home along the way where they can go if they need help. 
6. NO distractions. Kids shouldn’t walk to school wearing headphones, playing their DS, etc. Teach them the importance of always being aware of their surroundings.
7. Check your state’s Megan’s Law website to see if there are any registered sex offenders living on your route or in the area.  
8. No accepting rides, candy, gifts or other items from people they don’t know – No matter what that person tells them or how friendly they may seem.
9. Safe Grownups Don’t Ask Kids For Help – Kids shouldn’t assist strangers who need directions, help finding a lost pet, carrying packages to their car, or any other kind of assistance. 
10. Review personal safety concepts with plain, common sense language – not fear tactics.  Kids will “tune out” if they think we are overprotective or harping on this subject.  Let them know that you value their sense of independence and just want to be sure they’re clear on the “do’s & don’t’s”.

FOR ALL KIDS:

• Remind your child to trust their instincts:  that “uh-oh” feeling.  If anyone EVER makes them feel uncomfortable, they need to get away from that person and tell you as soon as possible.  
• No secrets from Mom or Dad… especially if it makes you feel “weird” or yucky.
• Kids are allowed to say NO to anyone, even a grownup, a teacher, sports coach, etc. if they’re asked to do something that makes them feel yucky, scared, or uncomfortable.  If someone says “Don’t tell…”  TELL.

FOR PARENTS:
Remember, the world is still a safe place and most people that our children interact with are notdangerous or waiting to hurt them when we’re not looking.    Teach safety skills in an easy-going, non fearful manner – just like you’d teach any other life skills.    A little common sense goes a long way.

With a heavy heart, I write this blog today – in the wake of the death of 8 year old, Leiby Kletzky, abducted and  murdered in his own Brooklyn, NY community while simply walking to meet his mother, just 7 blocks away from his camp on Monday afternoon.  I cannot even imagine the pain Leiby’s parents are feeling, my own mind can’t go there, can’t possibly fathom the depth of sadness.   There are no words, yet I want to reach out to them.  To say, I’m so very sorry the randomness of this world took your son’s life, for the cowardly & horrific acts of an evil man.

In the aftermath, parents everywhere struggle, trying to make sense of it all.  It can’t be done.  There is no logical reasoning as to why another human being is capable of such a heinous act.    Some will try and look at the story with their own “what if’s”… with “should have’s” or “could have’s” to allay their own fear and sense of vulnerability, but there are no easy answers or guarantees that if you do “everything right”, bad things won’t happen.  The truth is Leiby’s parents previously walked the route with their son, a suggestion I often give to parents whose children may be walking home on their own.  They felt he knew that route, and they felt he was safe in their community.   This is NOT THEIR FAULT.

The question keeps arising:  when is it safe to give our kids some independence, freedom to walk home or navigate the streets on their own?   There is no magical age when it suddenly becomes “safe-proof”.    Maturity, awareness, quick-thinking skills, these all come into play when making a decision like this.   And while I don’t advocate hovering or helicopter parenting, I do recommend that maybe we slow down a little bit and really assess how much our kids are capable of handling when they are on their own, no matter what age they may be.  Because it’s different, for every child.

Many parents will react with “That’s it –  I can’t let my child walk down the street alone, ever.”   I don’t think that’s the answer, either.  I think we need a balance.   It feels absurd and meaningless right now to say that this is a rare occurance, that many children walk and ride their bikes safely on their own every day, yet that is also true.  And so perhaps our balance is to understand that there are no absolutes, no guarantees, but we cannot lock our children inside the house, teaching them to be fearful of the world.

In the tragic aftermath of Leiby’s death, perhaps the best we can do is to talk honestly about safety issues with our kids.  With specific Do’s and Don’ts when they’re out on their own.   Give them some clear-cut strategies, a simple action plan in case they get lost, or are approached by a friendly stranger.  And have that conversation more than just once.  Kids need reminders, even though they’ll roll their eyes and spit out an “I know, Mom.”    Remind them to never get near or into a car with anyone they don’t know, no matter how friendly the person seems.

Today, I am so very sad for Leiby’s family.

Merriam-Webster Definition:  PREDATOR -one who preys, destroys, or devours

This week filmmaker, Roman Polanski has asked a Los Angeles judge to sentence him in absentia for the sex crimes he committed in 1977 against a 13 year old girl. On January 22, Judge Peter Espinoza, supervising judge of the L.A. County Superior Court criminal division, will hear arguments from both the defense attorneys and the deputy district attorney before making a decision.  

Keep in mind: there has been no denial on Polanski’s part of whether or not he had sex with a minor.  He admitted it.  He admitted to giving her champagne and a quaalude. He admitted to having intercourse with her, as well as engaging in oral sex and sodomy.  When she asked him to stop, he did not.

Yes, people, you read all of that correctly.

Continue Reading »

It’s that time again… load up the cars with the kids, the luggage, the gifts, and head off to ___________ (insert assorted relatives’/friends/neighbors’, airport, the mall, etc.).

Between the parties, events, shopping, and travel, it can be a whirlwind!    With so much activity going on in the next several weeks, it’s a great time to go over some key safety tips to help ensure that everyone has a wonderful and safe holiday season.

Continue Reading »

How many times have you told your child to always obey the grownups?  

Have you insisted that they hug or kiss “Uncle Johnny” or that family friend or relative who visits every holiday, even though your child obviously feels uncomfortable doing so?

Continue Reading »

Make no mistake about it… Roman Polanski is a child molester. As is typical in Hollywood, the level of denial is profound.    Let’s take it one step at a time here.

Fact: In 1977, 43 year old filmmaker Roman Polanski sexually assaults 13 year old, Samantha Gailey, during a photo shoot.    He gives her champagne and a Quaalude, then proceeds to engage in oral sex, intercourse and sodomy, after she repeatedly asks him to STOP.

Continue Reading »

There are no fitting words to accurately describe the emotions many of us are feeling as we learn of the tragic death of 7 year old, Somer Thompson in Orange Park, Florida this week.  Anger, rage, frustration, sadness – come close, but still feel hollow and empty as I think of what this little girl’s family is going through right now.

My heart and prayers go out to Somer’s mother, Diena Thompson.  As a mom myself, I cannot even imagine the devastating pain and the depth of grief that she is facing now.

Continue Reading »