Safely Ever After Inc. Blog

I am a teen
They think it’s so easy
We can do whatever we want
No boundaries
No rules
No cares
Easy does not begin to describe what we deal with
Peer pressure
School
Social lives
Changing my status on Facebook
Life is not a dream
I am a teen
People say being a teenager was the best time of their life
I hear that, and say why
How is it possible when you barely have time to live
Yes you get freedom
And sure, you have time
But living in fear is a teen’s daily life
F- Failure: When we’re expected to do what we can’t handle
E- Expectation: Assuming we will do what we’re not capable of
A- Acceptance: A dream that most people only wish for
R- Rejection: A nightmare that some kill themselves from
I am a teen
Why do they treat us like foreigners
“We come in peace”
I am a person
Just like you and you
We have feelings
We can’t read minds
And you can’t read ours
Stop trying to figure us out
I am a human
And I have rights too
We are people
I am a teen
Makeup
Hair
“Oh My God Becky,” did you see her shoes?
Boys
Team Edward or team Jacob
Don’t even get me started on Ryan Gosling
We breathe social networking
Can you tag me in that?
So much change
Is it good?
Or is it bad
I am a teen
I am a teen
Good-bye “daddy’s little girl”
Innocent, Curious, Excited
Here comes a new realm
Mood swings
Rolling of the eyes
And isolation
“Why are you so annoying”
“Just leave me alone”
I am a teen
Tell me what’s the point of us reaching for the stars
When nobody ever sees us really going that far
Tell me what’s the point of us never giving up
When we strive strive strive
Though it’s never good enough
Teenagers are living in hell
Trapped in a jail cell with nowhere to go
There’s torture
There’s pain
We all go insane
From the worries
The discoveries
And the meaning of vitality
There I was cuddled up with my mother
Under the dancing fireworks of the fourth of July sky
Here I am now
Sitting in my bed with a tear in my eye
I am grounded for not completing some stupid chores
Don’t they know my life is a complete bore?
I need help
Get me back on track
Don’t leave me here
Looking like some whack
I am a teen
Lost
Struggles
Hurdles
Change
Fights
Persevere
Gain
Create
Redirect
I am no longer walking in the shoes of another
I am creating my own path
This is our time
Our time to change the bad
And emphasize the good
We will triumph
We are teens

April 16, 2012 – Last night’s episode of Dateline, where children were lured into going into an ice cream man’s truck, was a real eye-opener for many parents, who understandably are now upset and worried after seeing how easily a child can be tricked.

Don’t expect kids to be able to resist a tempting offer from a “stranger” in public like… free ice cream, an interesting toy, a puppy… especially if you’ve only relied on teaching “stranger-danger” up till now.

Reason #1 – Most “strangers” don’t look like the boogeyman. They smile, wear nice clothes and have some kind of enticing TRICK to attract a child. They may even be someone the child knows “a little bit” like the ice cream man.

Reason #2 – Often, a child’s stranger-danger radar doesn’t even kick in when it should because they see US talking to strangers every day (at the market, bank, restaurant, etc.).  If someone looks or sounds nice, kids don’t interpret them as a “stranger.”

Reason #3 – Kids learn by example.
Use the 3 R’s of child safety:   Rules, Role Playing and Repetition. You actually have to give kids very specific Do’s and Don’t’s for when they’re out in public… at the park, the beach, a store.  SHOW them what to DO if anyone asks them to come into the ice cream truck, help with a lost puppy, or even suggests taking a walk further away to play with a toy.

The short and simple rule:  “No, I have to ask first” and race right back to Mom/Dad to ask.

Role-play with your kids ahead of time. You “be” the child. Act it out for them like a little skit. Make it fun, but firm. When kids actually see the Ask First rule in action, it makes more sense. Don’t rely on just talking about a safety concept, demonstrate how it works. Show them how to “cut the conversation” by saying NO and RUNNING BACK to you immediately. No continued dialog with that “tricky person!”

Go over the rule more than once. Find teachable moments; on the way to the park or party, or set up a 5 minute Safety Rule Skit once a week. Be creative and consistent.
The biggest mistake a parent can make is thinking that your child knows what to do after having one safety conversation with you.

Keep up the dialog with your older kids. Children ages 9 to 12 are statistically more vulnerable to sexual abuse and the grooming tricks of a predator.

Reason #4 – Over 90% of childhood sexual abuse happens to kids by someone they know, not by a stranger. So, while we do have to teach kids about safety with people they don’t know, it’s important to be mindful of whom they interact with more frequently…  a soccer coach, Auntie Sue’s new boyfriend, our next door neighbor. For more prevention tips for parents and children, visit www.safelyeverafter.com

When it comes to safety, Instinct is one of our best barometers.
Instinct (yours or your kids’) tells us when something or someone is “thumbs up or thumbs down.”  Kind of like an internal siren!
But how do you start talking to kids about their instinct, so that it’s not scary and so that they’ll listen to it?

For starters, call it the “Uh-Oh”  feeling because that’s speaking their language.  You can begin with an easy conversation. “We should always listen to our uh-oh feeling.  It’s like a little warning bell that tells us there might be a problem or something just doesn’t feel right.  Sometimes it might make us feel a little scared or sad or mad.  If you get an uh-oh feeling about someone, even a friend or a grownup, it’s okay to tell Mom or Dad all about it, so we can help.”

Ever notice how some kids go from being outgoing with one person, to shy and introverted with someone else?   That’s their “uh-oh feeling” kicking in. For whatever reason, it’s important that we honor it, and not try to talk them out of it. If we consistently talk our kids out of their instincts, eventually it stops kicking in or they’ll stop bothering to tell us about it.

Tips For Talking To Kids About The Uh-Oh Feeling!

Ages 2-3:  Simply start by identifying a variety of feelings or moods. “Wow, you look mad/sad/scared/happy/confused/surprised/excited.”   If it looks like they have an “uh-oh feeling”, you can say:  ”Look’s like you got an uh-oh feeling about that big dog or that loud noise.”   By labeling their feelings, we help kids name what they’re feeling, and we give them permission to feel it and to express it to us.

Ages 3-4:   You can use more specific examples to explain Uh-Oh feelings.
• “Uh-oh, I don’t think it’s a good idea to cross the street when a car is coming!”
• “Uh-oh, I don’t think it’s a good idea to run off at the park unless you tell me where you’re going first.”
• “Uh-oh, there’s so many people at the mall. Let’s stay close so we don’t get lost.”
• “Uh-oh, sometimes I just don’t feel like being tickled by…”

Ages 5 and Up:   By now, most kids have experienced some kind of an “uh-oh’ feeling.  And there are plenty of innocent reasons for “uh-oh’s” – it’s not always a major catastrophe! Now’s the time to really help them understand their feelings and how to handle an “uh-oh” if they get it.  Role play with some gentle “What If” scenarios to help them know what to do if they get an “uh-oh”feeling.  Sometimes it means saying NO to someone, or getting away quickly from someone and coming back to find their safe adult.  Give kids the tools and language that empower them.  You can even share an experience of your own.
• “I got an uh-oh feeling and didn’t want to park my car in a dark spot at the mall, so I drove a little more and found a better spot near a light.”
• “I got an uh-oh feeling when I was a kid because I didn’t like wrestling with my older cousin.   So I told him NO, and then told my mom.  She told him I didn’t like it either.”

When you share your feelings, your children trust that they can share theirs.  And nothing says safety like knowing “Mom and Dad have my back!”

Here’s the problem with asking a school administrator to “fix” the bullying problem. They will sometimes call all the kids in together and try to “resolve the conflict.” It doesn’t work. The victim feels intimidated, outnumbered and/or embarrassed. They shut down, while the aggressor(s) spins a tale of “he started it, it’s her fault because…”, or makes excuses for their behavior. Since they are more outspoken, the admin. sides with them. Victim feels shamed, confused. Then later on, aggressor ups the bullying, because they know they can. What to do then? Bullying isn’t about conflict or two kids with different opinions. It’s about intimidation, harrassment, and power. Of course get the school involved. But insist that they don’t bring the kids in together. Get both kids to tell what’s going on, separately. If you know the other parent, contact them… not to get into an argument, but to appeal to them as a fellow parent. “I could use your help on this, my child is feeling…, I’m sure you can understand being a parent, too.” If that doesn’t work, then start insisting on changes at the campus environment. Schools want to help, but sometimes, they just don’t know the right way to approach this. And sometimes a parent is better equipped to help do the right thing.

You may have heard about a new documentary, “Bully” by filmaker Lee Hirsch. Powerful and honest — about what far too many kids experience at school on a daily basis. Everyone should see this. Unfortunately, the MPAA has given it an R rating for some coarse language at the beginning. Having worked on hundreds of school campuses, I can tell you this… kids have heard this language before. Trust me. It’s real. I was recently asked to write about this topic for a wonderful parenting website, Supermommynot.com. The result is a 2 part series looking at the realities of bullying, the statistics, and what parents, kids and schools can do. Part One is up now so I’m putting the link here.  Please check it out. Visit http://www.supermommynot.com   Bullying prevention works when everyone gets involved.

While I appreciate that Supt. John Deasy is attempting to be proactive with Miramonte, I can’t say that replacing the entire staff is the end-all/be-all solution. Who’s going to be minding the store when the new crew comes in? Is LAUSD just moving the “game pieces” around on the playing board? Damage control isn’t enough. Prevention is the key. So, Supt. Deasy— please institute strict policies that protect kids. Don’t just shuffle the deck.
1. Classroom doors stay open – especially after hours with just a few children w/the teacher. 
2. Principal has to monitor every teacher & aide closely,   i.e.  Classroom behavior, lessons, relationships with kids that seem to blur boundaries.
3. And most importantly,  EVERY single staff member from top to bottom better know that the minute a child discloses something inappropriate, BELIEVE that child and take action. Start asking questions, insist on accountability and don’t put blinders on.

Reminder for parents: Please monitor the relationships that certain adults want to have with your kids, especially if someone seems a little too good to be true.   If a teacher is attempting to ingratiate himself into your family life with lots of offers that relieve you of your parental duties: step back and say No. Teachers shouldn’t be taking kids out to the beach, shopping, or making a student their “special friend” with lavish gifts or outings, etc. Mark Berndt knew exactly who he could target and who he’d better leave alone. A visible parent can be a deterrent. It doesn’t mean you have to show up at every PTA meeting or at school every single day. But let everyone in that environment know you’re paying attention, that you have good communication with your child, and that you’re up on your child’s “day to day” activities.

Miramonte and all of the LAUSD … we’re watching.